Interlude: Musings of a pretty Irelevant Fangirl
by EulaliaGal
Summary: Because when all the hot guys are gay, the fangirls are going to have to complain.  Also discussing the mysteries of the handbag, which can bend space and time and the funny other fourth dimension to its every whim and will.  Gakuen AU.


This is a quick teaser chapter for an idea I have. As I have several other multi-chap fics going on at the same time as this (yes, I'm procrastinating), I will only continue this if I have enough good responses. I'd love to keep writing (ideas are popping up all over the place… isn't it so annoying that ideas for stories and, well, anything, come up at the most annoying of times?) so if you really think this is good enough, please drop a line a tell me!

**WARNING:** Kind of bad language, insinuations (per Francis), YAOI.

**PAIRINGS: **Flavours of many; USUK, Spamano, Germania x Rome, GerIta, 1827, PruCan, SuFin, DenNor, RoChu, Giripan, Francis x everyone.

**DISCLAIMER:** No, I own not Hetalia Axis Powers. Sadly. It depresses me. Because I need the money. And the yaoi that I would no doubt get into the webcomic if I owned it.

….

– **Interlude: Musings of a pretty Irrelevant Fangirl – **

It was hard being a fangirl, really.

Though all it seemed you had to do was run shrieking after your idol (which, considering everything, was quite the task in itself, considering Hetalia Academy had so many idols that the _idols themselves_ had idols. Most fangirls now carried trainers and throat lozenges in their tiny handbags (1), to prevent any lasting damage to feet and throats), the life of a fangirl was hard indeed, what with your idols running away from you, turning you down (even after the four-hundred-and-seventh time you'd asked) and throwing your chocolates in the bin (which was actually very much appreciated, since that meant that they didn't have to buy more than one box of chocolate for twenty-odd victims – ehem, idols).

Yes, the Academy _was _practically a Blue Bishonen Ghetto, but for some twisted, unnatural reason it seemed that all the rainbow-coloured flags in the world had been hung out for washing (or rainbow-coloured briefs, for that matter) on the Academy's flagpole. And they just so happened to attract all the hot gay guys of the world to the Academy.

Well, damnation.

Lately, it seemed as if _every single one_ of The Horde (3)'s victims – erm, idols – was either pining after a loved one (who was also, incidentally, a guy) or shoving their tongues down the throats of – guess what? – another guy.

It was downright bizarre. The fangirl wondered if they had all been struck down by some sort of flu.

She idly ticked off all the couples – old and new – on her fingers.

First there had been the Italian twins, grandsons of the school's principal (who was also as straight as a rainbow, as over half the student population had discovered when they stormed his office in a protest (no one could quite remember what they were protesting about.) And after that incident, no one could quite look either him or the tall, blond and handsome vice-principal in the eye for a _looooong_ time.)

Of course, everyone knew just how besotted Antonio Fernandez Carriedo was with Lovino Vargas – multiple public confessions and truckloads of flowers had ensured that. No one had said anything, because Antonio was… scary when angry. Yes, scary. (4) And of course, Lovino had his Mafia. And he was infamous for setting his Mafia on anyone who had crossed him. Repeatedly. Until they were nothing more than a bloodstain on the tarmac.

And it was common knowledge that the relationship between Ludwig Beilschmidt and Feliciano Vargas had probably crossed the line named 'Just Friends' a long, _long_ time ago. Only the least socially-inclined did not know this, what with Feliciano chattering loudly on about their bedroom escapades 24/7 (Apparently, Ludwig liked BDSM. He shouted that out during lunch one day. And that was normal behaviour for Feliciano), Ludwig coming into school in turtlenecks on a regular basis (or every other day) and with a permanent pink flush painted across his face, no less!

And of course, Lovino Vargas storming the school in all his Mafia glory (complete with real Mafioso – a cute boy who looked more like a high school kid than a Mafia boss, and a dark-haired guy with a cute bird on his head. People had laughed before he whipped out his tonfas and beat them all up*) _just so_ he could tell Ludwig (and everyone else in the school, for that matter) that if he even _thought_ about hurting his little brother, there'd be hell to pay. Now _that_ had been a memorable day.

Then there had been Ludwig's _awesome_ brother and Matthew Williams, a couple no one could really have predicted. Well, they were still together and happily shoving their tongues down each others' throats (and shoving other things into another hole, if you catch my drift. (5))

She found it quite cute, really.

The latent sexual tension between the stuffy, uptight student council president and the hot new American exchange student was so blatantly _obvious_ that there were even bets going around on how long it'd take for them to get together. Rumor said that they used to be like brothers before they got into a huge argument and Alfred had stormed his way back to the USA. And now he was back, trying (and failing miserably) to court Arthur.

The majority of the fangirl population secretly thought that this was very, very cute, and cheered Alfred on whenever he made a move on Arthur.

The guys from North Europe were _also_ gay – seriously, was no one straight around here? Tino and Berwald – well, Berwald practically called Tino his wife, and some (most, actually) fangirls admired how he acted around Tino; it was so, so sweet. And caring. _Awwwwww!_

And then there was the Danish guy who never stopped bothering the Norwegian exchange student, despite his (and his brother, and his brother's puffin) protests. But recently those protests had decreased. As in, decreased exponentially until the protests had died into moans.

She could go on for ages. The Chinese guy – Wang Yao, wasn't it? – was _far_ too pretty to be classified as male, and his little brother was no better. Then there were their respective partners: Ivan (yes, before you ask, he did have fangirls. Well, fan_**girl**_, singular. As in Natalya, the crazy incestuous stalker. How Yao managed to get permission to date Ivan is a mystery to the present day) and the sleepy cat-guy, Heracles.

This was like a scene out of a manga, for Christ's sake! Why were all the guys prettier than the girls?

And then, of course, there was Francis. No more need be said.

Despite the fact that most of her fangirl peers were crying their eyes out over such a sad state of affairs, this one in particular didn't really mind. It was really very cute, how all the guys interacted (seriously, who would try to chat up someone using a _hamburger_ pick-up line?) and it was actually _really_ sexy when they'd start to make out. As in, like, _really_. (6) Well, two hot guys are better than one!

Damn. She needed a tissue. The blood was going to stain.

_Hmm_, she thought as she fumbled around in her handbag (which, like all handbags, totally trashed the laws of physics. In there, she had make-up and little treats and even a _whole change of clothes_) for a packet of tissues, _Maybe I should just go join the Yaoi Fanclub._

….

1- It is a widely known truth that somewhere, somehow, the females of the _Homo sapiens _species have discovered a way to manipulate space and time, so that an infinitesimally miniscule handbag can somehow hold objects many times its size and weight (2). It is generally agreed that it was Mary Poppins whom first made this earth-shaking discovery, and promptly decided that the most useful thing she could do with it was to put a lampshade in her handbag.

2- This is how female spies and assassins work – they shove an AK-47 into a tiny handbag, walk right past security and then whip the gun out. Boom boom! Job done.

3- You know, like Genghis Khan? Like him, but much, _much_ more deadly. If anyone actually managed to harness the power unleashed when any horde of fangirls decided to show their idols all their _love_ and _affection_, they would make millions by selling it as the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. Hell, if they wanted to, they could probably use such power to nuke the whole universe into oblivion.

4- This was the understatement of the century. Even now, some unfortunate students woke up at ungodly hours in the night from dreams of green eyes and a big, _big_ axe.

5- Even if you never spoke to Francis Bonnefoy in person, he exuded such an aura of dirty minded-ness that the whole academy was affected. It was a rather interesting occurrence of mind over matter, and had even been mentioned in an award-winning paper by a Noetic scientist.

6- Whether in public or private, news tended to spread _very_ quickly about this kind of stuff. Yes, even if it was the principal and the vice-principal kissing in a tree, you'd soon get people hiding in bushes and trees with binoculars and cameras out. Most fangirls had wondered at some point in their lives whether or not they could make some money by selling tickets for this kind of entertainment. All of them had quickly come to the conclusion that no, it wasn't worth it. And of course it was nothing to do with the fact that Alfred F. Jones had lifted a _frigging car_ over his head just because it was in the way (7). Of course not.

7- Not that it was in Arthur's way, of course. Of course not. Really! (Even if Alfred _had_ liked the look Arthur gave him when he saw him do that. But that had nothing to do with it.)

….

Well, how was that? Do you want more? Or do you think it is terrible? Please, do tell me! I'd love constructive criticism on my work.

* Guess the manga/anime reference! Then guess the characters (yes, it's pretty obvious) and tell me why you think I put them in! Please? *Is doing this just for the reviews*

Hint: XVIII-XXVII!

P.S. If I do carry on with this, could someone please help me devise a pick-up line including a hamburger?


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